Derby Horse Cat May Kill You Cat Personality Disorder On the Roof Buttered Cat Hunt Elephants Lion Convert Diary of a Cat

Tiger's ego Hidden Life of Dogs 2 Cow Big Game Educated Parrot Bat-Klutz Loch Ness Monster The Hamster

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks "Were you talking to me"? The horse replies "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer "Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field". The farmer replies "Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky."

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12. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
11. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
10. He actually *does* have your tongue.
9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

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| This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis |
| *To forward or re post, you must include this section.* |
| The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com |

16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.
8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
5. Spends all day in litter box separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglasses-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...
1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

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Ed was devoted to his cat. He had special cat toys, special foods, special litter, everything a cat could require, Ed provided. When he had, absolutely HAD to go to San Francisco for a month and couldn't possibly take Tabitha (the cat) with him, he called on his younger brother. He got George to agree to watch Tabitha, to brush her, to feed her, to change the litter at the right intervals, and made him promise to spend time with Tabitha so that she wouldn't get lonely.

Ed took the plane to Frisco, certain that Tabitha was in good hands. He called the first night to see how things were going. "How's Tabitha?" he asked George.

"The Cat's dead!" was George's only reply.

Ed was in shock. He hung up the phone without another word. He was in a daze at work for the next three days until he finally convinced himself he had to call George again. When George answered the phone, Ed gave him no chance to say more than "Hello," when he began his speech.

"George, you know what Tabitha meant to me. You didn't have to be that abrupt. You could have broken it to me gently. You could have said, "Tabitha is up on the roof. Don't worry. We'll get her down." Then you could have told me that Tabitha was at the Vets but that he was confident she'd be ok. Then the next time I called you could break it to me that she'd passed away. Do you see what I mean?"

"I guess so," George conceded, "I could have been gentler I guess."

"Good. I feel better getting that off my chest. How's Mom?"

"Mom's up on the roof," George confided.

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This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of anti gravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

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Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse
    a. Catch each animal seen
    b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
    c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do. Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

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A Christian Missionary was in Africa. He was walking through the jungle one day going from one village to another, a lion began to chase him. He ran as fast as he could but the lion was closing on him. Finally the missionary stopped and cried out "Dear Lord, please make this lion a Christian."

The lion came to a screeching halt, clasped its paws together and bowed its head and said "Dear Lord, we give thanks for that which we are about to receive...".

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Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a house plant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

Day 755: Today I had an amazing bit of luck - I caught a moth. Would that I had wings! I would never be locked up in degrading captivity in a man-house again. I batted it about the floor a bit, smelling fear on it, seeing its fluttering and mindless crippled panic. Then I ate it. Its wings still twitched a bit as I rent them with my teeth. Foolish moth - it paid the ultimate price for the stupidity of using its wings to take it inside the walls of my prison; deep into the heart of the places where I lurk, in wait.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

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There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!" And this poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out, "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed!"

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(C) 1993 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

I want to talk about the hidden lives of my dogs. Until recently, I wasn't aware that my dogs had hidden lives. There were many times, such as when they'd take turns repeatedly eating a deceased lizard and throwing it back up, when I wasn't even sure they had BRAINS.

Then I got "The Hidden Life of Dogs," the best-selling book by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, who has some astounding insights into dog behavior. For example, in an effort to find out what dogs do when they're on their own, she spent months following a husky named Misha as he roamed all over Cambridge, Mass. What Thomas discovered was that Misha, who at first appeared to be simply trotting around aimlessly, was in fact earning a degree from Harvard Business School.

No, I am joshing. Harvard does not accept huskies unless their parents are extremely wealthy. What Thomas discovered, after much observation, was that Misha spent his time -- and here I will attempt to summarize two full chapters of "The Hidden Life of Dogs" -- sniffing other dogs and peeing a lot.

This might not strike you dog-owners as all that deep of an insight. But trust me, it seems like one when you're reading the book. Because where you might see just a plain old dog engaging in non-rocket-scientist behavior, Thomas sees a highly sophisticated organism responding to elaborate socio-biological stimuli and performing complex problem-solving tasks. It's not her fault that the solution to the problem is usually to pee on it.

Anyway, reading this book got me to thinking about my own dogs. Did they have a hidden life? If so, could I discover it, and more important -- write a best-selling book?

To find out, I removed my dogs from the confined, controlled environment of our house and put them outside, where they were free to reveal their hidden lives. I observed them closely for the better part of a day, and thus I am able to reveal here, for the first time anywhere, that what dogs do, when they are able to make their own decisions in accordance with their unfettered natural instincts, is: try to get back inside the house. They spent most of the day pressing sad, moony faces up against the glass patio door, taking only occasional breaks to see if it was a good idea to eat worms. (Answer: no).

Of course, the dogs have important and complex socio- biological reasons for wanting to get back into the house. For one thing, the house contains the most wondrous thing in the world: the kitchen counter. One time a piece of turkey fell off of it. The dogs still regularly visit the spot where it landed, in case it shows up again. There's an invisible Dog Historic Marker there.

Another reason is that the house provides a better echo for barking. Dogs employ barking as a vital means of communicating important messages, such as: "bark." Barking also serves a vital biological purpose: If a dog does not release a certain number of barks per day, they will back up, and the dog will explode. (Whenever you hear an unexplained loud noise in the distance, it's probably a dog exploding.)

Our large main dog, Earnest, spends her day sleeping directly under my desk, and three or four times a day she'll have a pressure buildup, causing her to wake up, lift her head, release a bark and immediately go back to sleep. Her bark, traveling at the speed of bark, quickly reaches our small emergency backup dog, Zippy, who is sleeping elsewhere in the house. He wakes up and rushes up to the outside of my office door and starts barking at it, because there is clearly something wrong inside. (Why else would Earnest have barked?) This in turn awakens Earnest, who leaps up, bonks her head against the bottom of my desk, then rushes over and starts barking at her side of the door. Each dog is firmly convinced that there is Big Trouble on the other side, possibly involving their arch-enemy, the U.S. Postal Service truck. It comes around every day, and usually Earnest and Zippy are able to drive it off by barking at it and getting spit all over the windows by our front door, but now apparently the truck somehow has GOTTEN INTO THE HOUSE and is ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS DOOR BARK BARK BARK BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!

This is what my dogs are thinking (if "thinking" is the word I want here) as I get up, walk past Earnest, who is now insane with rage, and open the door. Instantly Earnest charges BARKBARKBARK into the hall, narrowly missing Zippy, who is charging BARKBARKBARK into my office. Each one goes about five feet, then -- WAIT a minute!! -- skids to a stop, whirls around, and charges back the other way, still barking. Sometimes they'll pass each other three or four times before they run out of momentum and lie down again, confident that, thanks to their alertness, the house is once again safe.

This is the hidden dog world that goes on EVERY DAY in our house. I admit that, socio-biologically, it is not as interesting as the things that Elizabeth Marshall Thomas' dogs do. But Earnest and Zippy are the only dogs I have. Make me an offer.

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Socialism: You have 2 cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Communism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

Fascism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

Nazism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and shoots you.

Bureaucracy: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk and then pours it down the drain.

Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Corporate: You have 2 cows. Get rid of one, force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

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One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Everytime they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinocerous runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" " I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes."

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This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him, swooping past a "Friendly and Affordable" Bed & Breakfast called Greyhouse Inn.

Down through a valley they flew, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, licking their lips.

"Do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well...I didn't!"

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Please help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says "Okay."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

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