Life Lessons by My Dog... Dog Rules Kittens Better Than Babies Pampered Pets I have learned from my Dog Rabbit Joke Look it Up! Rules for Cats A Man and His Dog Ambitious Turtle Bird Seed

Mice Dreams Daily Routine of a Cat Race Horse Joke A Laboratory Rabbit Escapes Jesus Is Watching Duck Feed The Parrot and the Magician What Humans are Like Equal Opportunity Hazardous Duty Recessive Genetics

• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Return to Index

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Return to Index

1. Veterinarians have evening hours.
2. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
3. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
4. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
5. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.
6. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
7. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
8. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
9. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

   And the BEST reason:

10. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

Return to Index

1. Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday....
   Everyone knows that veterinarians do their best work early in the week. And no pampered pet wants their eye job or tummy tuck done by someone who is tired and cranky.

2. Keep your leash on....
   Never let your human pressure you into removing your leash until you are good and ready.

3. If it itches, don't scratch it....
   Especially avoid scratching at the opera, in a limo and while accepting your Oscar.

4. No matter how desperate you are, don't beg....
   Instead, go for the direct approach -- a cold nose against any warm part of the human anatomy usually gets immediate attention.

5. Don't allow yourself to be dressed up....
   Once you pose in clothes, it will come back to haunt you for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to hold your head up as you walk into a room full of your peers.

6. Stare at people until they back off....
   A stare is a simple, straightforward way of letting your person know that you know who's in charge here --- you, of course.

7. Don't expect a human to change....
   Due to their inferior brain capacity, humans are only capable of changing three things --- their minds, their underwear, and lanes on the freeway.

8. No heavy petting....
   Heavy petting increases your chances of Canine Pattern Baldness, not to mention the fact that once you let a person pet you, he or she will always want more, more, more!

9. Remain aloof....
   Fake it if you have to.

10. If your person attempts to suggest that you
    do certain things, such as "Hop in the pet carrier," it is up to you to remind them who actually wears the collar in your household.

    FOLLOW THIS 12-STEP PROGRAM:

    Step 1. Get them to admit they have a problem.

    Step 2. Get them to apologize to you.

    Step 3. Get them to bring you gifts.

    Steps 4-12. Repeat Steps 2-3.

Return to Index

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on affection and let people touch you - enjoy back rubs and pats on your neck.
• When you leave your yard, make it an adventure.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.
• Bond with your pack.
• On cold nights, curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• When you're excited, speak up.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Return to Index

A farmer came in from a hard day's work and got showered, shaved and all cleaned up and was sitting on the front porch rocking, reading the paper and waiting for supper.

A rabbit came hopping across the front yard and hopped out on the road and was hit by a truck.

About 15 minutes later the same truck came back down the road and stopped right by the dead rabbit. The driver got out, took the top off a bottle and poured it on what was left of the rabbit. He threw the bottle over into the ditch in the weeds and drove off.

The farmer thought, "Well, this is strange." But he kept rocking and pretty soon he saw one of the ears of the rabbit kind of flicker. Soon the other ear perked up, and slowly the head begin to re-form, and the farmer thought, "Boy, I've been in the sun too long." Slowly, the whole rabbit came back, and he got his two front shoulders and front feet working, though he was stiff from being hit. He got his two front feet up, and he turned around and waved at the farmer. The rabbit started to hop away, and about every four or five hops it would stop and turn around and wave at the farmer. Soon the rabbit was out in the field.

The farmer decided he had to see what was in that bottle. So he went out to the ditch and found the bottle. And on the bottle it said, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."

Return to Index

A panda went into a Bar & Grill the other day for a meal. After ordering and consuming his lunch, he proceeds to take out a revolver and blasts the daylights out of the restaurant. Bullets were flying everywhere, windows shattering, lights exploding and all the patrons were ducking for cover! He then calmly wipes his mouth with his napkin and saunters toward the door. The owner, shocked and appalled beyond belief, screams at him, 'What was that all about!!' The panda turns as he exits and disdainfully replies, 'I AM A PANDA, look it up!!'

The horrified owner goes to his office where he had a dictionary and finds the reference for Panda.

"A large mammal, resembling a bear, native to Western China, eats shoots and leaves!"

Return to Index

1. Doors : Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened,it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swing doors are to be avoided at all costs.
2. Chairs and rugs : If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
3. Bathrooms : Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything---just sit and stare.
4. Hampering : If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering".

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim---to hamper!! First sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
5. Walking : As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
6. Bedtime : Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

Return to Index

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years.

After a while they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill was a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "

Can my dog come in too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. Then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their dogs behind."

Return to Index

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted"

Return to Index

A boy wanders into a pet store and asks for a quarter's worth of bird seed. The clerk smiles at this strange request and asks, "How many birds do you have?"

The kid replies, "None, yet. But I hope to grow some!"

Return to Index

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.

"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered.
"What for?"
"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them."
"But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.
Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."

Return to Index

The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.

i. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

ii. Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety

a. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

b.The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

a. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

i. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.

ii. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

b. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health

a. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

Return to Index

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in MY last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Return to Index

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes, come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning at this until, completely exhausted, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?", one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Return to Index

This burglar is breaking into a house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens.

After a minute or so, he hears nothing, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!"

"Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?"

Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!" Okay, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite.

After a little looking around he detects this parrot.
Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well!"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age."
Burglar: "Phew I really thought something weird was going on here! What's your name?"
Parrot: "Henry."
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot."
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"

Return to Index

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

Return to Index

There was this magician who owned a parrot and every time he did his magic act, the parrot would spoil the trick. The parrot would scream out, "It's up his sleeve" or "It's in his mouth" or "It's behind him." The magician was getting pretty sick of this, but didn't quite know what to do about the parrot.

Well, one evening, right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, when the ship, he was performing on, hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours, just staring at him.

Eventually, it said, "Okay, I give up -- what did you do with the ship?"

Return to Index

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

Return to Index

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager, looking to stump the dog, said: "Here is a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Return to Index

Joe traveled to Spain and wandered into a Madrid restaurant one night for a late dinner.

He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe asked.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked.

"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the next night and order it again.

This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.

"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."

Return to Index

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"

His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."

The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"

"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."

"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"

"Yes son, I'm sure."

"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in me?"

"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."

"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"

"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these questions?"

The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my butt off out here!"

Return to Index